by Fred

I’ve been really convicted lately that I’ve not been fundamentalist enough. I need to get fundamentaler. I know I just need to be more sold out. The Christian life has to be extreme, right?

I met this dude the other day; his name was “Ed,” and he was an “evangelical.” He agreed the Christian life needs to be extreme, but then he thought that meant he was supposed to wear cool clothes and get tattoos of Jesus and snowboard and witness to people on the lifts, and somehow all this would mean he was an extreme Christian. Sounds like compromise to me.

But then I realized…my church’s name is “First Conservative Evangelical Church!” I went straight to Pastor Funk and I said, “This has got to stop.” And Pastor Funk said, “I know. It must be the Lord’s timing, Fred, because I’ve just finished coming up with a new name for the church. We’ve compromised on too many issues for far too long. Here’s the new name: First Conservative Separated Independent Fundamentalist Regular Baptist NOT-Catholic KJV-Only Gays-Aren’t-Allowed-Here Church. Or RCSIFRBNCKJVOGAAHC for short. Sound good?”

Indeed, it sounded very good to me.

Funny thing was, as soon as we put the sign up, Ed the Evangelical came over and asked if their church could use the old name. I guess he’s some assistant youth pastor or something at one of those compromising churches that wants to get rid of its denominational affiliation.

“Sure,” Pastor Funk replied. “But don’t even talk to me again. We’re separated from wayward brethren like you.”

No more compromise. We’re going to be more fundamentaler than ever before, and we’ll let Ed go be a wussy evangelical. I bet he pees sitting down.

Fred was unable to post last Friday, because he spent the entire day trying to track down his new favorite preacher.

The official memo from heaven has finally come down, folks; James Dobson has endorsed Mike Huckabee. I don’t know what took him so long to endorse the guy who is clearly God’s candidate, but better late than never, I suppose.

Clearly the hand of God has moved and eliminated that cult-leader Mitt Romney. Besides, one of the commenters here even said that Mormons eat children. I bet that’s true.

Look, my friends – it’s very clear. The only thing we can trust McCain to do that God wants is to drop the bomb on Iran within an hour after his inauguration. But we definitely can’t trust him on important issues like prayer in schools, teaching 6-day creationism, and destroying Hollywood. Vote for the only guy who will replace the constitution with the Bible: Mike Huckabee.