Is nothing sacred anymore?  If there were anything that I figured would remain holy and pure, it was Walmart.  Walmart is everything that America is supposed to be, and remember that America is God’s country, despite the liberal, communist, heretical, probably-the-antichrist president that the liberal pagans and atheists have just elected by some form of Satanic fraud.

Why has Walmart lost its holiness?  Well, look at this picture.  This is Satan’s wiles, if ever I’ve seen them.  And trust me, I’ve seen a lot of wiles.

by Fred the Fundamentalist

So, I’m watching the Olympics tonight, and I hear the theme: “One World, One Dream.”  I almost fell out of my chair.  Don’t you realize how blatantly obvious that is?  ”One world.”  I fact, if you take “One Dream,” and take out the “n,” the “a,” one of the “e’s, and pare down the second half of the “m” a bit so it’s a lower-case “r,” it’s a clear anagram for “order.”

“One World Order.”  That’s the theme of the Olympics.

I’m keeping my eyes peeled for someone who looks like Nicolae Carpathia.

by Fred the Fundamentalist

So, I made a mistake.  And after two weeks of thinking it through, I’ve realized the error of my ways.  I had completely forgotten that God used the word “Easter” in Acts 12:4 when I criticized the use of “Easter” as a name for the day the Lord was resurrected.

Now, one of the commenters called “Easter” an incorrect translation, because he said the word should be translated “Passover.”  The man doesn’t know what he’s saying.  It’s the KJV!  And the KJV is never wrong.  God wrote the KJV.  When God opens up books on judgment day, one of them will be the KJV.

I mean, think about it.  It’s called the “Authorized Version.”  Who authorizes a Bible?  Well, only God can authorize a Bible!  Which means that the KJV is authorized by God.  So if the KJV’s translation is different than what the Greek says, the KJV is correct, and the Greek is wrong.  You don’t give authority to a bunch of Catholic monks who probably deliberately mis-copied the Scriptures in order to turn us all into pagans when God himself wrote an authorized version of the Bible in 1611 to prove that He never let any corruption happen to a single jot or tittle.

Basically, we don’t need the Greek anymore.  We have the Authorized Version.

by Fred the Fundamentalist

I can’t hold it back anymore.  I’ve got to point out an area of compromise that many Christians are involved in.  We just celebrated the resurrection, and everyone keeps calling it “Easter.”  Don’t you all know that the word “Easter” comes from the pagan goddess Eostre?  You should call it Resurrection Day.  Otherwise, you’re compromising, and compromising is sinning.  To say “Easter” is to sin.

And while we’re on the subject of recent calendar compromise, what’s the deal with everyone giving something up for lint?  First, I thought that was a catholic thing, and as you know, catholics are evil.  But it’s also really messed up.  I mean, who would give something up for lint?  I’ve got plenty of that in my belly button.  I don’t need to trade anything for it.

And finally, let me offer a third proof that this “church calendar” thing is a bad idea – a compromise with catholics and with evil.  Lots of people went to a worship service last Thursday, and I heard them calling it “Monday Thursday.”  Monday Thursday?  That’s just confusing!  It can’t be both Monday and Thursday!  And God is not a god of confusion.

by Fred the Fundamentalist

I recently looked at a Eugene Peterson book. You know what it said at the top? “From the author of The Message.”

Did you catch that, folks? The Message is a supposed version of the Bible, isn’t it? Is Eugene Peterson claiming to be the author of the Bible? It appears so. You see what happens when folks stray from the true, authorized, only-inerrant version of the Bible: they write a mess like The Message, and then they begin to believe they wrote the Bible themselves. That’s what compromise will do to you.

We learned recently that the editors of the NIV pee sitting down. My guess is Eugene Peterson started peeing sitting down long, long ago. But The Message goes far beyond the NIV in distorting the Bible. By the time Peterson wrote The Message, I think it’s safe to say he had already started peeing while laying down.

That’s right, folks. Eugene Peterson pees the bed.

by Fred

I’ve been really convicted lately that I’ve not been fundamentalist enough. I need to get fundamentaler. I know I just need to be more sold out. The Christian life has to be extreme, right?

I met this dude the other day; his name was “Ed,” and he was an “evangelical.” He agreed the Christian life needs to be extreme, but then he thought that meant he was supposed to wear cool clothes and get tattoos of Jesus and snowboard and witness to people on the lifts, and somehow all this would mean he was an extreme Christian. Sounds like compromise to me.

But then I realized…my church’s name is “First Conservative Evangelical Church!” I went straight to Pastor Funk and I said, “This has got to stop.” And Pastor Funk said, “I know. It must be the Lord’s timing, Fred, because I’ve just finished coming up with a new name for the church. We’ve compromised on too many issues for far too long. Here’s the new name: First Conservative Separated Independent Fundamentalist Regular Baptist NOT-Catholic KJV-Only Gays-Aren’t-Allowed-Here Church. Or RCSIFRBNCKJVOGAAHC for short. Sound good?”

Indeed, it sounded very good to me.

Funny thing was, as soon as we put the sign up, Ed the Evangelical came over and asked if their church could use the old name. I guess he’s some assistant youth pastor or something at one of those compromising churches that wants to get rid of its denominational affiliation.

“Sure,” Pastor Funk replied. “But don’t even talk to me again. We’re separated from wayward brethren like you.”

No more compromise. We’re going to be more fundamentaler than ever before, and we’ll let Ed go be a wussy evangelical. I bet he pees sitting down.

Fred was unable to post last Friday, because he spent the entire day trying to track down his new favorite preacher.

The official memo from heaven has finally come down, folks; James Dobson has endorsed Mike Huckabee. I don’t know what took him so long to endorse the guy who is clearly God’s candidate, but better late than never, I suppose.

Clearly the hand of God has moved and eliminated that cult-leader Mitt Romney. Besides, one of the commenters here even said that Mormons eat children. I bet that’s true.

Look, my friends – it’s very clear. The only thing we can trust McCain to do that God wants is to drop the bomb on Iran within an hour after his inauguration. But we definitely can’t trust him on important issues like prayer in schools, teaching 6-day creationism, and destroying Hollywood. Vote for the only guy who will replace the constitution with the Bible: Mike Huckabee.

Behold the wiles of the devil! I’m hearing Travis behind the scenes muttering to himself, “It’s Christus Victor…it’s Christus Victor…all the atonement theories fit nicely under Christus Victor.”

Can he not see what he’s allowing himself to believe? He has to change the name of our Savior in order to get it to fit into his atonement theory! Our Savior’s name is not Victor!  Victor did not die for my sins.

You see, folks, this is what happens when we don’t submit to the only acceptable and comprehensive explanation of the atonement: penal substitution. You get something silly like “Christus Victor,” and then you throw the name of Jesus right out the window. Look: Since Jesus is the only name whereby we must be saved, and this so-called atonement theory throws out the name of Jesus and replaces it with Victor, it can’t possibly “atone” for anything.

It’s all in the name. And besides, it’s clear that penal substitution is the only legitimate and complete explanation for the atonement. If it’s about the name, then we know that (a) penal substitution does not change the Savior’s name to Victor, and (b) unlike “Christus Victor,” there’s no way to ridicule or distort the term “penal substitution.”

The apostates over at the Boar’s Head Tavern are going on and on about how the Bible isn’t inerrant. They’ve done this before, and someone has to show how super apostate it really is. Paul had to deal with “super-apostles”? I have to deal with Super Apostates. And I shall do so right now.

Let’s think about this for a minute. The Bible is inerrant, right? Why does the Bible have to be inerrant? Because the Bible is inerrant. It seems pretty obvious to me. I mean, if we already know that it’s inerrant, why question its inerrancy?

But let’s press even deeper. The Bible must be inerrant in every single detail. If one teeny tiny detail is errant, then any of the details can be errant. And then we have error, and we can’t have that because, as we’ve already seen, the Bible is inerrant. I mean, if the Bible is in error about census numbers or a scientific detail, then we can just as well assume that Jesus never existed, that he didn’t live a perfect life, that he didn’t rise again, or that there isn’t even a God in the first place.

So what about those supposed contradictions? Different census numbers? Different resurrection accounts? Different chronologies? When did Jesus cleanse the temple, for example? Well, it must have been at the beginning AND at the end of his ministry, because John wouldn’t change time around, because then it would be errant. There’s a perfectly rational explanation for every apparent contradiction, mostly because there has to be one. Otherwise, the Bible is errant, and as I’ve already proven with piercing, irrefutable logic above, the Bible is inerrant.

But let’s make one more important point. The Bible is inerrant and gives us inerrant truth only if we take it literally in every point. I mean, think about it. If you can allegorize one part, you can allegorize all parts. The Bible doesn’t mess around with figurative language, folks. It tells nonfiction truth, not fictional lies. And we need plain, literal language. Why?

Because of the wiles of the devil, that’s why. The devil wants to breed uncertainty, and uncertainty comes from things that are figurative and subject to interpretation. Let’s think about the term “Rock and Roll” for a minute. It applies to music, right? Not really! If you take it literally, it refers to a rock (a stone) and a roll (bread). So there’s deception already! What do “Rocks” and “Rolls” have to do with music?!

But then, if you know about the factual history of the term, you’d learn that it’s actually a phrase that means “to have sex,” in other words, to fornicate. Now, think about how much that term “rocks” has made it into our common day vocabulary. People say “that rocks” or “Rock on” all the time! In a positive way! See what the devil has done? If we take those phrases literally, we realized the devil has deceived us. What we’re really saying when we use those phrases is, “that fornicates!” or “Fornicate on!” So that’s what happens when you take things figuratively. You get deceived by the wiles of the devil. If you take them literally, you uncover the deception and speak truth.

It’s no wonder the Super Apostates at the Boar’s Head Tavern don’t think the world was created in six 24-hour periods. Clearly, they’re not literally reading the Bible, and they don’t believe it’s inerrant. They think they have an errant Bible that they can interpret however they want. But you cannot subject the principles of God to literary evaluation.